Knowing what to do in life is the most painful thing I have ever encountered. Mentally, it will destroy you and I know it has destroyed millions of people throughout time. What if you make the wrong choice? What if you make the RIGHT choice? What if you don't know which choice it turned out to be AFTER it has been made? What if you live with regret not knowing how it would have turned out the other way? What if your life is supposed to be like this? It really is so depressing.
I need to move. I really really want to move. But should I move? I don't know anything else but this place. This is all I know. I hate it but it's comfortable in its misery. It is hell and it can't surprise me, for the most part, anymore. It's Los Angeles and to me it is pure depression. But I work in the film industry, don't I have to be here? Don't I have to live here to fulfill my dreams? How long do I hold onto that until I realize that Los Angeles didn't fulfill my dreams but destroyed them completely, chewed them up, spit them out, and made me feel hollow?
This place, I hate it. I have never felt I belonged here. A lot of that could be my own fault as I dreaded moving here even before I knew I was moving here! It's why I avoided attending college here. I knew I would hate it so much I stayed away for as long as possible before I even GOT here. That of course ended up being a huge detriment and in hindsight, probably the biggest mistake of all. Going to film school in LA is what you HAVE to do because if you don't make your connections and network at that early a stage, in school, you're pretty much doomed in the film world to get ANYWHERE worth note. This is a lesson I learned hard and fast. It doesn't matter how much talent you have, it only matters who you know. And if you don't go to college here and start making "friends" and "connections" early on then you're screwed sister, and well, I'm screwed.
I do have friends that like Los Angeles. They don't mind it, they were born and raised here, and they get annoyed when people constantly dog on it (JBird!). I understand that. They have a loyalty to the place, good memories, they appreciate what it gives you more than what it takes away ($$$ and your soul), they make it work for them and they enjoy it. But I don't. The film industry is a horrible mistress and it will destroy you in a second. If you're not built the right way (figuratively and literally) you are not going to last. People have different experiences because we are all different people with different temperaments, personalities, needs, and wants. Sure, maybe I would like this place better if I had a house or a boyfriend/husband or if my family lived closer and I could drive over for Sunday dinner every week. Maybe I wouldn't mind it if I had nothing to do with the film industry and didn't see how a lot of the people in it are horrible shallow backstabbing cretins. These people, they make you hate life. They make you wonder how the human race has survived so long. They are awful people and all they want is to make you feel lower than them and they don't care, in fact they LIKE you knowing, that they would crush your spine by climbing over you in the blink of an eye to get higher on the film ladder even at a stupid useless go-nowhere job. Knowing you are going to encounter those kind of people at every job interview or job you get, it just takes a toll.
So, I want to move. I think I NEED to move...to stay sane. I'm almost to the point where my dream and passion and love for working in film finally doesn't outweigh my dream and passion and love for having a good life and for simply being happy. This is a hard thing to accept, frankly. I've let everything else, for so long, go. I have tried to make it in film for so long and dreamed so much that it's scary to finally wake up and not care anymore about it. This doesn't sound like it should be a hard decision but what it comes down to is what am I going to do with my life after this? I have no skills except film! I really don't. I am a fast learner and could conquer any job if given the time but most people aren't willing to give that (even if it's a week!).
1. Moving far away where you know nothing of the place or your surroundings or no one, not one friend or acquaintance within hundreds of miles (sure I've done it TWICE before but I was younger and dumber and at that age you don't care or know about consequences of your decisions) is one of the scariest things anyone can imagine but add
2. Not having a job or any idea if anyone is going to need the kind of work you do and if not then having to do something completely different with your life that you never planned on doing or maybe even WANT to do and even then you have to be taught how to do it AND you have to hope that you find someone willing to give you the time to learn it.
Knowing what to do. It is the worst thing. There is no answer. You have to just decide one way or the other and live with your decision. It sucks. Everyone has different advice, everyone has had a different experience in life. So no one can tell you what to do. You have to be able to live with yourself knowing YOU made the decision and take responsibility for it good or bad. And as I wrote this post the manager of my apartment building put a note under the door. OH MY GOD. They're raising my rent again. This place! Fucking Los Angeles! But what perfect timing. My rent is now $50 more a month starting in September. I already pay too much for living in this place, I can barely afford it NOW, and apparently I will have to start paying more for the pleasure of being constantly unhappy. Maybe that note under the door was a sign. Maybe on the back I should just write in big bold letters: You know what you need to do. Keep this to always remind you WHY you did it, good or bad.
